I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
