she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
