I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
