Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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