i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
