You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
