my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
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