I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
