I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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