youre lurking in front of me
i love accidental penises.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
