mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
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