sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
It was confusing and full of hummus
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She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
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Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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