margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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