Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
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He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
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I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.