youre lurking in front of me
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?