do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
