I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
