i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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