Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Randomize
