i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Randomize
