My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
