I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
