I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
