two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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