I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
