piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
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