haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
