We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
