I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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