I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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