you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
