so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
