why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
