So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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