some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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