fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
