I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
