I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I AM VODKA MAN
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
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