Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
