So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
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This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
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There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
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