I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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