2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
