Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
