ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
