that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
