Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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