Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize