you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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