the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
