May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
It was like giving head to a cactus.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
