i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
