I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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