thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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