wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
