Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
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It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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