just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
no. you can't hotbox the world.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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