I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Randomize
