Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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