So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
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I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
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Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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